On Mother's Day, Reham El-Adawi and Nader Habib share their experience in the art of first-time parenting When Oprah Winfrey presented Oscar- winning actor Sidney Poitier in her show, he described watching the birth of one of his babies as miraculous. Imagine, then, how a mother must feel, if the father feels that way -- a mother who has that baby inside her for nine whole months. A human thing has just come out of you; you can see it, hear it and touch it. That's miraculous. During pregnancy, periodic ultrasound check-ups would induce an overwhelming bundle of contradictory feelings -- joy was certainly one of them, though with what it was as yet unclear; there were very few organs I could make out, and I asked my gynaecologist not to reveal the gender because I wanted to "keep it a surprise". I had heard enough about pregnancy changing you; but hearing is not believing -- it was when I found myself making a concerted effort to stay relaxed, in the conviction that it would make my baby a calm person, that I realised what people had meant. Physical and hormonal changes were strange and annoying, but it helped to read about them. There was a complete dietary overhaul, of course -- no caffeine, no sugar, no salt; lots of fresh fruit and vegetables -- and an end to passive smoking. My relationship with my mobile phone became minimal. But, miraculously as it now seems, I didn't mind any of it; rather, for the first time in my life I understood the meaning of responsibility and how the essence of love is sacrifice. Ah well... Let me not omit the joy of shopping for the baby -- in my case: unisex clothes, diapers, wipes, bottles, shampoo, cream, powder... These were very tender moments, very different from the thrill associated with shopping for yourself. As the date of delivery approached I gave in to the instincts of motherhood -- of which mercy is the most remarkable. No words can describe the excitement of searching for names, coming up with lists, and even squabbling over with my husband. Finally we agreed: if it was a girl, we would name her Meritte; if it was a boy we would name him Marwan. I was all set... The moment I opened my eyes after the cesarean -- I was in terrible pain -- I asked what gender it was. And the sight of Meritte's face was absolutely overwhelming; I thought she was the most beautiful baby girl ever to appear on the face of the earth. She was quiet, very delicate. When I embraced her, I burst into tears. Then I started kissing each of her tiny fingers, progressing to the toes. In my experience it is the period following delivery that is the most difficult for a first-time mother. First there is the sudden anxiety of having a person on your hands. She cried. This tiny, fragile, helpless creature cried. And you felt helpless yourself for being unable to comfort her. There was no milk as yet -- it starts on the third day -- so she couldn't even suckle. I was still in pain. I had been advised to sleep as much as I could during pregnancy, and in the first three months I understood why. In those days sleep was a far-fetched dream because you had to be on watch constantly. And like many mothers all over the world, this coincided with a bout of post-natal depression -- my feeling is that this has to do with the equally sudden huge responsibility of feeding and cleaning the baby. I didn't know how to give her the bottle -- I only had to do it with herbal infusions, since I breast-fed her -- and that was incredibly frustrating. My mother was a huge help, later my husband tried to share the responsibility and I was finally able to overcome the depression. But once my maternity leave was over, I faced another problem, though: I was torn between my job, which I missed, and my little girl. I have since sought my fortune with nannies and domestics -- no easy step in a third world country, where qualification comes at a small fortune. Strike your own balance. For myself I know that if push comes to shove, I will stay with my baby in those crucial years. Tips for the new mother: -- Cut the nails of your newborn baby while asleep after a warm bath. -- Pack the baby's bag a few hours before leaving the house to avoid forgetting anything. -- To change the baby's diapers in peace, keep hands busy playing with a clean diaper. -- Teething is very painful: if you can't put the teething gel in their mouth, spread it on their hands as they like to lick it. -- Read thoroughly and follow the pediatrician's instructions to the letter: this will spare you the trauma of friends' and relations' contradictory advice, since each baby develops differently. In Egypt the husband's family prays for a baby boy, the wife's for a safe delivery. I prayed for a healthy human specimen, and the ability to bring him up properly. For the nine months of her pregnancy, I was keen on keeping track of developments both in the foetus and in my wife's psychology. I went along to the doctor every time. On the first visit, we sat in the waiting room among many a woman with a huge tummy; my wife's, who cuts a thin figure, was not yet showing. That left my own tummy to compete -- that's when I decided to visit a dietary consultant. For nine months I enjoyed watching my baby change -- especially when it started taking on the beautiful human form towards the end. I didn't want to know what gender it was. My wife had registered on pregnancy-and-motherhood websites and we began receiving very helpful weekly newsletters by e-mail. It was fun watching, waiting and caring for my wife, who needed healthy food. But as the due date approached -- panic. We dealt with that in various ways, but mostly by buying the baby's essentials and rigging up a room for it, which required a complete reordering of the house. The evening before the delivery -- it was to be a cesarean -- I was extremely worried but I did my best to hide it from my wife. I channelled my fear into food; the diet hadn't been working much anyway! I don't think I'd ever eaten so much in my life. On the way to the hospital I encouraged her. It will take no more than 30 minutes, I said. I wanted to go into the operating room but they wouldn't let me in. I waited for the longest hour of my life. Then... A small window revealed the doctor coming with something small and indistinct in his hands. Then the door opened and he said, "here, hold your daughter!" There was a moment of overwhelming joy: the thing I had been seeing on that screen was finally in my hands. She was crying but when I pampered her she went to sleep. She can feel it, I flattered myself. She can feel I am her dad. But my happiness was not complete until my wife came too and I could see she was alright. The next day my mother-in-law, who lives next door, was there to help, but she was terribly exhausted after the last few days, and I wanted my wife to recover so I took matters into my hands. If she is crying, I thought, there must be a reason -- sniffing, I could tell she didn't smell so nice. So I changed her diapers as per the instructions I had been given. I fed and pampered her. She fell asleep. It was 3am. Half an hour later she was up and screaming, however. That went on till 7am, when my mother-in-law woke up. I went to sleep on the sofa. I went on holiday for a week, then it was easy to help take care of the girl. The real problem started when I went back to work and knew I had to sleep every night to be able to concentrate in the office. It's never easy to work out what your newborn is telling you -- that she's hungry, cold, thirsty, bored, in need of a cuddle... Gradually, however, you do register the crying patterns and as you get to know your baby you will be able to anticipate her needs. My wife would ask me to take over so she could have a little sleep -- she was awake 24 hours a day, she complained -- and inevitably, I thought, well, what about me? When can I take a rest? That lifestyle went on for weeks until my little girl began to interact more clearly -- smiling when she was happy, for example. When I put her in her own seat for the first time -- to watch Tom and Jerry, to which she responded with little interactive noises -- she fell into a long, peaceful sleep. It was as if she was saying thank you for having her own individual seat. This beautiful creature changed my life. In the past I spent my spare money on books and computing gadgets; now I buy toys. I catch myself spending time looking at little dresses. I daydream about her getting bigger and running around. I tell myself I'm going to make her very happy, every one of her dreams will come true. Now she is cooing again. I'm going to record those noises, they are so lovely. If I have a record she can hear it when she grows up.
