CAIRO - I can't believe how time flies. About ten-and-a-half months have passed and here we are waiting for the month of Ramadan to start again any minute now... in fact I can hear someone at the door... no, Ramadan wouldn't drop in without giving us at least a missed call!Unlike most other seasons and occasions that bounce back to us every year, because it's a whole month, Ramadan returns about 325 days after it ends. It's a month in the Hijri calendar, which is the lunar one and of course shorter than the solar calendar. Even non-Muslims know that during the holy month we fast from dawn till the sun goes down and, because it is summer, the days are longer and the weather is hotter. If you think I am going to talk about the sun then... you are wrong again. Go straight to your room and don't come out until I tell you to. I probably never will. Today we will talk about the moon and you should have guessed it from the start when I mentioned the lunar calendar. As much as I love the sun I also love the moon, especially in the summer when we have no clouds. Speaking of clouds, a lady was so fortunate and yet very unfortunate because of the ‘Clouds Across the Moon'! How could this be? She was lucky because that song was a hit for the RAH Band, named after Richard Anthony Hewson who formed it. The bad news was... due to the horrible connection the woman called her husband in outer space and in the middle of the call she got cut off and ended up saying, “I'll try again next year." It sounds just like the service provided by my mobile company! Hey, before we move on I must tell you about Mr RAH. He is a multi instrumentalist who worked with some of the world's finest bands and artists, including the Beatles and the Bee Gees. May I marry your daughter Mr RAH? I don't like the moon that much when it's red. It looks scary and I feel werewolves are about to attack me. Being a vampire, I'm not particularly fond of werewolves because they are probably the only creatures who could kill me. If they ‘were' wolves, what ‘are' they now? What can I call them? I guess I won't call them at all and I will just delete their numbers! Before I forget, Van Helsing as well can kill me and I guess if I keep writing such nonsense you too will kill me. WOW, this is better than ‘Kill Bill Volume 217'. To cut what could be a very long story kind of short, when the moon is blue I always remember the classic ‘Blue Moon' which has been performed by zillions of artists since it was written 78 years ago. This romantic number starts with the bars “Blue moon, you saw me standing alone," so if you are a werewolf you will probably attack this poor unsuspecting innocent man – me. This shining thing in the sky that pretends to be the sun – but only when the sun is not around – sometimes turns yellow, which proves that it has no guts. Isn't yellow a word people use to describe a coward? Never mind this and let's focus on ‘Yellow Moon' by the Neville Brothers. I love Aaron Neville's singing. Wasn't that song composed by Beethoven? I am not sure that he liked the colour yellow, but I'm 100 per cent positive that Beethoven's work is called ‘Moonlight Sonata'. I also think the moon was much younger in those days. Didn't this German composer die 17 millennia ago? When man walked on the moon, things weren't very safe because there was no Police there. Ten years later Police, fronted by Sting, released ‘Walking on the Moon' and things were much more secure. At least it was better than what it was like when there was a ‘Moon over Bourbon Street'. Sting told the world about my life as a vampire on this solo song. However, I only crave blood and not bourbon. Shame on you Sting. Guitarist Mike Oldfield and singer Maggie Reilly had a song about a creepy ‘Moonlight Shadow'... I don't know much about physics, but does light have a shadow or is the shadow produced by an object when light is being cast on it? Cat Stevens kind of proved this point when he sang about ‘Moonshadow'. That makes more sense to me. I've never liked cats but Stevens is a different kind of Cat of course. Speaking of these furry creatures, I have to tell you a story. I once went to a friend's house whose cat was a couple of months old at the time. Did you like the story? Good, I'm glad you did! Hold on, there's more to come – to avoid the cat we went to my friend's room and closed the door but when he went to make me coffee he forget to close it again... the door not the coffee! The kitten kept staring at me and I asked him “What?" so he just walked into the room and started punching my foot which I found funny. I couldn't stop myself from playing with him and suddenly he jumped and there he was on my lap. That's a new definition of a laptop! I couldn't help but rub his back, which made him very happy. He kept making that weird sound cats make when they are glad. Then my friend warned me that the cat would kiss me! Actually he did – he crawled up, kissed me on the cheek and went down to rest on my chest like a baby. I was really surprised and minutes later he did it again! It's funny that he stayed on my chest for more than an hour despite the attempts of my friend to move him! I seriously fell in love with that cat. One of my favourites is definitely the Waterboys' ‘The Whole of the Moon'. It reminds me of someone very special to me – my nephew. Anyway, we know we will consume a lot of water after we break our fast, so bring on the Waterboys. Ramadan will probably start on Friday and this might disappoint Duran Duran, the band that predicted the ‘New Moon on Monday'! Women are capable of amazing things which some might consider hostile – on the hit ‘Tell Him', Barbra Streisand and Celine Dion sang, “Tell him that the sun and moon rise in his eyes, reach out to him." I think the only way to do this will be by punching the guy in the eye and then he'll see the sun, moon and stars as well. He'll probably see nothing at all after that punch, referred to as “reach out to him". Before I escape the physical attacks of all the ladies who have been offended by my remark, I would like to wish you and all your loved ones a very happy Ramadan. Send me lots of food to: thisisamrhussien@gmail.com
