Poor man… as wonderful as he is, he needs a lot of care these days because he is so sick. He has a very nasty bout of flu and he's trying hard to fight it. Why am I referring to myself as a third party? Yes I am the poor sick man. It's hard to have flu in the summer. How am I supposed to wear tracksuits at home in this weather? Should I turn on the heater and drink hot soup? Forget it. They say the summer flu is sharper than a sword and they are right. Who are “they”? I don't know! Fasting while being sick is harder – I can't take my medication during the day and also flu drugs make me very thirsty. So what do I want now? A medal? Well actually a Jaguar car would be nice, thank you very much. All that talk about cold and flu reminds me of songs with contradictions in their titles. I know that cold and flu don't contradict each other and in fact to me they are the same… but what do I know? A lot of course! We can make a song and call it ‘Cold and Flu', just like the hit 5-Star had called ‘Rain or Shine'. What do you mean rain or shine? Make up your mind. It is the constant changes in the weather that make people sick in the end. So you have a hit song and I get hit by flu. It isn't fair. Bomb the Bass must have been very sick. Hallucinations drove them to imagine that they had ‘Winter in July'. To them I say “you should either get yourself a proper calendar or move to the southern hemisphere”. Speaking of the hemisphere, we also have Chicken Shawerma and… let me tell you more about our special menu. If you like Chinese food you will surely love the Verve's biggest hit, ‘Sweet Bitter Symphony'. The opening bars are bound to boost your morale and cheer you up “Cause it's a bittersweet symphony this life, trying to make ends meet, you're a slave to the money then you die”. Do you see what I mean? As for Chinese food, I'm sorry… I thought the song was called ‘Sweet and Sour chinese Chicken Recipe'! Another track that has so many contradictions even in its title is Belinda Carlisle's ‘Circle in the Sand'. Don't you agree? Come on… don't tell me you can't see the point. First of all, Belinda was born on the 17th August 1958, which makes her exactly one day younger than Madonna. How could she do such a thing? What a contradiction! By the way, just in case you didn't know, Belinda shares the same birthday with Sean Penn, who was Madonna's first husband. But he was born in 1960, which makes him two years younger. So here's another contradiction related to Belinda, who was in the girl band the Go-Go's and after leaving this very successful quintet she went solo and had many hits including ‘Heaven is a Place on Earth'. So finally I found something – Heaven on Earth? Does that make sense to you? I love the song anyway. Now you know that Madonna's 53rd birthday is today. So the Queen of Pop was born on the same day the King of Rock ‘N Roll died. Yes, Elvis Presley passed away on the 16th August 1977. Can we count this another contradiction? So Guns N' Roses is the name of a hit song that was… hmmm… that wasn't! Guns N' Roses is the name of a band. I never said it was a hit song. NEVER… DO YOU HEAR? You can't prove it so you can't sue me anyway. The English weather is known for its constant changes and who could tell us more about this than an English band? The song that explains all is called ‘The Sun and the Rain' but wait till I tell you the name of the band… it's Madness, so I guess we shouldn't really take this testimony for granted. If we are talking about madness – this time it's not the band, but the mental state of mind – the perfect example of insanity is the band they call MARCH. Why do I say so about this band? Because it's mine! One of our original songs is called ‘Floral Explosion'. What kind of name is that? Who could combine flowers with explosions? Have you ever heard of explosive flowers? That is very weird, but so is the man who wrote the song! If you see him in the battlefield…kill him! A lady called Mary MacGregor shocked everyone, especially her boyfriend, when she declared that she is “Torn Between Two Lovers”. I'm sure the man wasn't thrilled to hear it. It's like telling him “you are a good guy but not good enough”. That's too bad. It seems Mary was really torn, because no one has heard from her since the release of that song. The question is… was she torn between them or torn by them when they realised that she loved two men? “From New York to L.A.” is what Patsy Gallant said. Patsy, let me tell you that this is very confusing. You have to decide where exactly you are going to be in case we need to know. If you keep flying back and forth don't complain and say that you didn't get your copy of the Egyptian Mail! How can we deliver it to you if we don't know where you are? When someone says “A-Ha”, people might think that person has probably just found something that was lost or has understood a matter that they couldn't comprehend before. But when I say “A-Ha” I must be talking about the best band to come from Norway. That is the band's name but the thing I can't comprehend is why the three guys were ‘Hunting High and Low'. When you hunt you have to focus. You can't be distracted or whatever you are trying to hunt will attack you. It could be a lion, an elephant, a crocodile or even a crazy music critic. Imagine being attacked by such a mad man… it is scary to think he is chasing you with another crazy article. So let us finish this one now. Send me your hunting spears to: thisisamrhussien@gmail.com
